Life of a small boar

Dear DSP,

It had been nice, knowing you. A pleasant journey with personal growth on my part. Our last date was satisfying enough, but some things are just not meant to be, you know? No hard feelings,k? We shall separate in peace.

Dear DSP,

Looking back, I have known you for almost 5 months. We have been through a lot, there were ups and downs. It is true that I have neglected you at times, unwilling to spend some time with you due to some other temptations. But you must know that deep down, I really do love you, and would love to know you more. So please, can you stop being so mysterious and playing hard to get?

Tomorrow is the fateful day, to test our relationship. I hope we survive it.

Dear Brittle Glass,

I have no idea why the cut from your broken pieces still sting at odd times, especially when people insist on discussing it, and I have to pretend that I don't care. The frequency is dropping though, and I hope the day will come when I can really laugh the whole thing off.

Just because something looks pretty and reflects light does not mean that it is a gem.

Just because it captures and traps the beautiful rainbow does not mean that it's a crystal.

It can be a brilliant work of glass, pretending it's worth more than just that

It can be a cleverly made plastic, meant to imitate the look of a diamond's every beauty

Or it can be a luminous sculpture of ice, mesmerizing but will melt to nothing in my grasp

I guess you're a little of all

A wonderful carved piece of perhaps the highest quality of brittle glass

Pleasant to the eyes of many, a proud possession I seem to have, but I alone know the value you hold

Not very much

An old amethyst may not look as radiant

a ruby might not sparkle as you do

an aquamarine might not have the crystal-clear beauty you possess

but they're true and real

and will not change through time and trials

Thank God for guiding us into EDX.
Thank God for bringing us through the evaluation.
Thank God for the silver.
Thank God for bringing us together as a group.

You guys rock!!! I wouldn't want any other members. It had been great being in a group with you all.

Will put up you pics when i have them =P

Am I toying with fire?

I see the surface of the lake.
It's calm, with hints of breeze
Dragonflies tips playfully on it
It reflects still a smiling face of me

Am I stirring the water from beneath far beyond the surface?
Is it the root I'm starting a havoc at?
How much can it take before tranquility is disrupted?
How much more, before mud pollute the clear?

Or is it all just in my head?
Dreams of the green grass will always be a dream the lake don't reflect
when I look deep into the depth.

Today, I took the ring down from my finger and wear it instead on my necklace. Without the feel of that stainless steel's coldness between my fingers, it felt a little odd. Although it is no longer there, where it had rested for the past year, it will still be near to my heart. And I believe firmly that someday, it will go back to where it belongs.

Playing with my bare fingers, I realised that I have not fully recovered from the injury I got from basketball weeks ago. Like you know fully well, yes, I have been neglecting it, not applying medicine to it like I should. Perhaps tonight, before bed, I will put some oilment to it.

I spent most of the time in class today wondering how you're doing in class. I have to keep reminding myself why we made this decision. At a phase where we could no longer go forward nor turn back, we had to do something. Reading your blog made me feel so sorry that I put you through so much pain. But like you said, I believe in what the future holds.

It doesn't make much sense to me that I seem to miss you more today. For the first time in many weeks, I actually wonder what you have been doing, how has your day been and if you're okay.

Going through classes, getting on with life, I realised just how much things I had wanted to tell you. I've started on the project Mr Patrick gave me. It's not easy. I was bitten by an insect today. It stings. Khairani played with Shan Shan few days ago. It annoyed me. I am somehow more protective of it than of Xixi and Lele. I don't know why I didn't tell you then.

Nothing make sense to me. Yes, I still believe that this decision was necessary, I just didn't know that it'll hurt this much.

I don't understand. I guess I never will.

Once, a friend asked if I would ever consider you as the special one, I firmly said no with the reason that it's pathetic to fight for your attention with the square box that sits in front of you all day. The one you'll never get tired of seeing, the you'll always pay full attention to when in your companion, the one who sits firmly in that important place in your heart. No, I decided then it would be damn sad that you should give more time to it than me.

Later I thought you changed. I was moved and accepted you. You were so gentle, always full of ideas and laughter. You claimed to give it all up for me. I was the happiest girl on Earth, or so I thought. Real naive of me. That square box remains the only thing you're interested in, the one you won't even let me touch at times, and the one who cause you to brush my hands irritably away on occasions. What is this? Aren't guys supposed to be abit more outdoor? Or am I destined to seek for activities companions myself while you indulge in your own cyber world?

It annoys me, your lack of interest in the world and in general knowledge. It annoys me that you hide behind the language barrier you built yourself. It annoys me that you keep asking for time and I see nothing. It annoys me that you don't have a goal to move forward to.

I know what you're capable of. I was so proud of you. I know you have good attention span, which is not reserved for me. You want only to see me when you're in the mood. I guess you're always in the mood for your little world, and I'm only second to it. How I wish to smash it into the wall, into millions of pieces, to have you wake up and take a look at the world. But how can I take it away from you, when it is basically your whole world?

All I want is for you to have more life in you, and for myself to be able to rely on you. I guess it is just too much to ask? What am I? Who exactly are you? Are you the one I danced with in the park under the stars? It was so long ago, I kind of forget how you feel like.

Most of the time, I believe that male is the complicated one between the two species. However at occasions, I tend to think that males, regardless of age, young, adult, grown up or old, will always be just a boy at heart.

I cannot believe it. Totally.....
How can something like this happen? It's not supposed to happen.

I'm lost. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.

It must hurt more to you than to anyone else now, I know you don't want to worry us, but sometimes, it's okay to be weak. Just want you to know that we're here. Love you.....

Had the worst result ever in my whole entire life. I really hope the coming semesters cannot get any worse than this. I knew this is coming when I did the finals last sem.

Disgraceful.

My mom's gonna flip when she sees the posted result slip later. Haizzz

I waited for you to turn around
I wished for loving gaze
I longed for your protective embrace

At times I fell, I sobbed
and yearned for your out-reached hands.
As time and coldness proved your absence, I learnt
to stand up and wipe my own tears.

Once I thought I found the one,
Once I believed in perfection,
Once I know no heartache,
I was the luckiest girl alive.

I wanted to call it quits.
Days of indifference I'd endure no more.
I knew the passion that I had lost some times ago
can no longer be rekindled.

I was tired,
tired of running to you,
tired of being turned away,
tired of waiting,
tired of hoping,
tired of making all the effort
but end up instead with dullness in
my own spirit and soul.
It was over.

You surprised me with your will to hang on
You, who seldom make any decision
You, who let me take the lead always
You, who were passive in making plans
You, who prefered a laid-nack relationship

I was moved,
At least I still mean something to you
How much and how far are you willing to go for us?

It is my turn to watch, and
your turn to run after me........

Sometimes, I wonder if you're conscious of our presence
When we look at you in marvel,
at things you do in awe,

I'm amazed at the simpleness of your thoughts
at the small world you live in
as you struggle with each steps forward

Do you grasp the meaning of
the applause when you complete a task
the joy of those who see you progress
the hope many have for your growth

Does it hurt you when people look at you differently
when people whisper as they point
when pity is shown and they treat you delicately

I wish I can do more to ease the world you live in
I wish I can understand things you are trying to reach us in your own unique way
I wish parents can see you as a gift in their lives
I wish the world can acknowledge you as part of the society

I will do in the little way I can to help your walk to be a smoother one
because you are in no way different from us in God's eye....

I went to watch Terminator:Salvation night. Keat how die also want me to watch. Oh well.... It was nice, I suppose. Wasn't bad at all. My last experience with this genre of movie was Alien VS Predator. I had no idea what i was doing in the cinema. Well, Terminator was all right. I bet guys find it a beautiful creation, but it's just not my thing. Regardless, I'm looking forward for Transformer. It is something else. I just can't explain what makes it different, I just happen to like it =P

I don't know how many of you knows that I'm a lover of eggs. Anything egg, boiled egg, hard boiled, half boiled, fried egg, scrambled egg, mashed egg, steamed egg, egg tart, egg sandwich, egg salad... whatever... Often, I feel a little guilty by using up 2-3 eggs in my cooking everyday, watching the number of eggs in the fridge disappearing linearly, sometimes exponentially. But you see, one egg at a time is just not enough. You can't taste the egg in the dish.

Last night, my sis came home beaming, telling me that she bought super size egg with normal price from one of her students. Man, I've never seen chicken eggs as big as these, it ws kinda spooky at first, like looking at mutated eggs.

Best part is most of these eggs have 2 yolks, so it's exactly like 2 in 1 egg =D

Due to the finals, i spent the past 3-4 weeks camping in IRC, UTP's library with my coursemates. When things got bored, this is what we do...

Went to Midvalley Megamall today with my sis.

First time I stepped into a 'real' shopping mall since Dec last year. Finally, I feel alive again =D

I was supposed to write this weeks ago, but with finals and all, I was just too lazy to sit down and write a proper post.

On the night before 2nd of May, a friend invited me to go mountain hiking. I was supposed to have praise and worship practice on that particular day, but I talked my worship team leader into letting me off. Seriously, I was kinda worried on how to face God if I happen to fall down the cliff and transported back 'home' during the climb. Good thing He decided it wasn't my time yet ^.^ In fact, I believed later that I was meant to go because along the journey, I learnt several valuable lessons. Understandings on some things just popped into my head one after another.

I was still lively and bubbly at the start, enjoying the view, the breeze and the relaxation of the walk, thinking that it would be just like that throughout the journey. Naive.... Not long after we started, i started to pant. There weren't any proper route and some parts were pretty sloppy. Man, I was so out of shape, stamina gone down the valley. I bet my Taekwon-do coach won't dare to admit that I was once in the Shadow Team >.<). Thanks to a friend who noticed my discomfort( I bet it was pretty obvious >.<)he gave me his hand and guided me through the rest of the climb. With his assuring lead, my senses came slowly back to me, relieved somehow to feel that there's someone I can rely on physically. He was very encouraging, talking and motivating me all the way. Mostly, i only manage to nod and smile. But many things were running through my mind.

1. Finishing the race
The first thing that ran through my mind was pastor's repeated urging for us to run and finish the race. The spiritual race for every Christian is not an easy one. We need to be strong enough not only to face obstacles but also the overcome our own weaknesses. Most times when the spirit is willing, our body tend to fail us. So weak is our body. However, we must make our body obey us, and not submitting to its frailness.

2. Importance of brothers and sisters in Christ
Many times when I felt like just giving up, his endless motivations kept me going. No one can run the race alone, we all need someone to pull us up when we stumble.

3. Recognizing God's presence and learn to rely on Him
Often, we feel safe when we can see help physically. I can trust immediately in the aid that came with his extended hand but often, when God tried to reach out to us, to comfort and hold us in our fear, the lack of faith in Him prevented us from receiving the peace He guaranteed us. I must learn to rely and walk towards God's open arms just as I had accepted my friend's help without doubt.

4. Greatest fall/obstacle may come just right before we finish the race
The destination was just 2 meters away, one last slope and I could proudly say i conquered the hill. But as I raised my right foot, pain shot through my muscle, all the way up my thigh and I can't help but collapse. I experienced one the worst cramp I've ever had. Things got worse when I tried to move my left leg and the same thing happened. Cramp on both legs, that was a first. I had to sit down with my legs stretched for 10 whole minutes before I can relax the muscle.

5. Fix our sight on the Lord/ mind over body
If we focus on finishing the race instead of the hardship or fear for our surroundings, we gain more strength to move forward. At the end of the day, everything will be worth it. One example from the bible was Peter walking on water. He made a few steps when he fixed his eyes on Jesus, but when he looked around and saw the roaring sea, fear seeped into him and he began to drown.

The climb was a great experience. Though it was hard for me, and I still felt wobbly a long time after reaching the top, the value of this experience is inexplicable. Still, I managed to take some photos. =P

Coursemates
From the left: Ronny, me and Andrey

I'm beginning to face the consequences of my 'black-out' period earlier this semester. Each and every paper I took are coming back to me one by one, telling me that I'm so gonna flunk this sem =( I have no idea how to save myself. It seems so impossible, final's gonna be much harder than the tests. How?? Lord, save me T.T

It has been a long time since I last felt it... This familiar yet distant sensation. Going to a test with contentment that I had studied, answering questions with recollections from my mind, walking out of a test room knowing that somehow, things will be alright, and going back to my room with a confidence that whatever result I may get, will not be too bad.

Ever since the beginning of this semester, i spent sleepless nights studying things I have no memory of during the tests. My mind had been so distracted, and the irony is that, I have no idea what I was thinking most of the time. I walked into test rooms after test rooms with fear, and came out each time feeling more of a scum than before. I thought my brain had stopped functioning, and that it's time I give in to the fact that I've somehow caught idiocy.

Maybe it was God's warning to me, that I really shouldn't take things for granted. Not everyone is as quick to learn and understand. I should take more time to understand them, and be thankful for the brain I was blessed with. Thank God He had not decided to take it all back. Finally, I felt a touch of what I had before. Praise God that I was able to study and remember, and thank God for the awesome study partner I had this afternoon. It was amazing how comfortable and calm I still felt despite the outcome of my first test and with the clock ticking so near. Thanks, mate =) and Lord, You are my shepherd. Thank You Lord for bringing me back whenever i walk astray.

Days have been hectic, as expected of UTP life. Last week's Melodious Rendezvous was wonderful. Although only half of the hall if filled, 1000 is quite a big group of audience. Here are some photos...

Our section head, girl from keat hwa... only 17!

Guy in the middle, Wen Zhun, a prominent flutist (di zhi player) in Malaysia. Only 24.. haih, why these people can have success in life so early

My dearests
Karen - from KL to Ipoh, next day had to go all the way to sitiawan to go back KL
Keat How and Amy - from Johor, 20 hours to and fro
Thank you soooo much guys... Hugs hugs

The girl is Laura. Super tall, and pretty =P
The man is our instructor. Malaysia's best conductor 2008

Miss XiYao Chen - world's top 10 er hu player
she was awesome during the concert

I don't like you,
I don't need your flattery, nor do I welcome your criticism,
You will never understand what friendship means to me
You, who smirk at people who loves
You, who sneer at people who trust
You, who cannot accept love between friends
You, who knows only knows love as 'turn on'
You, who says hurtful things and brush them off as jokes
You, who cannot handle rejection

Do not have baseless expectations on me,
you'll only disappoint yourself
Do not insist me to be who you imagined me to be,
you'll only be shocked at how different we actually are

I am me!
Happy to be me..
I'm content with my life,
I already have the most important things in life,
a family that loves me, a boyfriend that loves me, the most wonderful friends that love me
I have dreams, future and hope
Why should I find thrills to fill my emptiness?
Sometimes I seek excitements for fun, not to fill in any hollowness within me
But I guess this is something you'll not understand either

You lost my friendship, the day you attacked me with your vicious words
I gave you one chance to my sincerity
but you treated it callously
So no matter how well you think you treat me, you'll always be just
an acquaintance

A friend told me today that:
There are only two types of people who will face failures in life;

the one who does not listen to anyone

and the one who listen to everyone



But for me, I think the only type of people who are a real success is;

the one who obeys the Lord

Do you want to change me?
Are you trying to transform me?
Random comments that shows you don't comprehend
Empty heart behind your pretentious apprehension

Yearning to drain others' positivity, always
On the look out for potential victims
Unfortunately for you, I'm no easy target

~because God alone is my potter
and I'm shaped through only His hands~

Sometimes, I wonder.....
What matters more to you

I'm currently living in the midst of war zone. Help..............

No mood
Why
Because my life is so unhappening that I'm bored?
Or because so much things happened that I'm tired
Funny, I can't even tell the difference

Sick, for over 10 days now....
Sick of being sick
Hope I shed some kilos

Frustrated
with the slow internet connection
not much I can do on line

Malaysia is sooo happening, eh?
Hope someone will soon circulate proof of atlantulya with N*a-hem*
That will certainly be more interesting

When I am gone
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I will not be there

When I am gone
Do not look at photo of me and weep
Smile instead in memory of me

When I am gone
Do not reminisce on us and weep
Rejoice in what we have built

When I am gone
Do not be haunted by loneliness and weep
I will still be close to you

The day before I came back to UTP, i went to the saloon, and went home looking almost the same. Tired of staring into the mirror and looking at the same hairstyle over the decade, I took a pair of scissors and SNIP, SNIP, SNIP. Teng teng teng!!

Nice?? But wait, that's not all...
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Hehe.... Kek Tiok??
Blueks

Tagged by Mei Ling, ages ago *smiles sheepishly*

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I'll be sad and tears will spill, but I'll hold my head high, get over it, make him regret it and never give him another chance to betray me again.

2. If you have a dream to come true, what will it be?
Travel to places(Hong Kong, Japan, Korea, China) with me best friends...

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
erm, no one in particular... but i wan to cubit dou dou's butt!!! =P

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Give some to charity, go to slimming centre and travel around the world with loved ones

5.Will you fall in love with your best friend?

My best friend is a girl, so, no =P but i love her very much

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved by someone, definitely

7.How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
It depends, but I don't exactly wait for someone I really love. Instead I wait for someone who really love me, someone who loves me and is able to make me love him back. I think he already is in my life =P

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Be his good friend and aid him anyway a good friend will, as long as he's happy

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
A high ranked engineer in Petronas(hopefully), a woman with a happy family of two toddlers and a most loving hubby, still having hang outs with best friends at least once a month

12. Who is currently the most important people to you?
Family, my best friends and my boyfriend

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
A steady friend with high credibility, someone with big dreams and will work to move forward, I'm sure she'll be a big success in a few years' time =P

14. Have you SMILED today?
Yes, I finally got the tempo of the song right, and Dou Dou's calls always brings

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Reach out for my hp and press snooze....

16. Would you give your all in a relationship?
Yes, it's all or none from me. So if he betray me, I will give no more... No try-try or half-half

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
The one who sees me at my worst yet loves me all the same, who sees my weakness/weirdness as my uniqueness

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?

Forgive-yes, but I'll never forget.......

19.Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
Either one suits me great. I enjoyed being single and hanging out with my friends when I had all my time for them, but when love comes, I accept it and feel blessed that he's part of my life =D

Sorry guys, for disappearing. There's no internet connection back home. I thought of updating once I reach uni, but for some unknown reason, my laptop is spoiled. It's still working the day before I left. So, I don't know. Have to wait till I go back Kch for CNY, and send it to the 'hospital'.

Holiday have been great. I took some interesting photos and did fun stuff. I'll update more when I'm settled. I've been back for 5 days yet the Residential Office still cannot confirm with me which village I'm staying! Grrr.... When will they learn to be more efficient? I sent in the application to move last semester. They have 3 whole months to process it. Don't understand.

Still, being back here have been fun. though it have been nothing but zhong ruan practice. It's awesome to be able to play new songs. But I should give it a break on the coming weekend, my fingers look no less like a cooked lobster. Hurts even when they brushes gently against something.

So yea, I'll update more soon =P